About The Bee in My Bonnet

As an adolescent, I struggled with behavioral and emotional imbalances rooted in the traumas I faced at home. Expressing my emotions felt impossible, so I bottled them up until they erupted into violent outbursts. One fateful day at school, this struggle reached its breaking point. After a weekend of chaos at home—my mother’s heavy drinking and sharp words left me feeling raw and fragile—I arrived at school teetering on the edge. When a bully sneered at me, calling my mother a “crackhead,” I lost control. The world around me disappeared as I swung at him uncontrollably. It took three teachers to restrain me. That fight earned me a three-day suspension, but more than that, it forced me to confront what I’d been denying: I was drowning in pain I didn’t know how to process.

During that turbulent time, a teacher stepped into my life and changed its course. An elder white woman with a surprising depth of understanding of ethnic/Black culture, she saw me—not just a struggling young Black girl from the ghetto, but a person brimming with potential. She believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself, becoming a mentor in the truest sense. She taught me to identify my triggers, those subtle signs that I was losing control of my emotions. When I would mentally check out of conversations or situations, drifting into a haze of dissociation, she would softly say, “There’s a bee in your bonnet.”

At first, I didn’t understand the significance of the phrase. But over time, it became clear: the “bee” symbolized the intrusive, unrelenting hum of emotions and thoughts I wasn’t addressing—emotions that demanded attention before they could be calmed.

The phrase “bee in your bonnet” has deep roots, with one reported origin dating back to the early 16th century. Alexander Douglas described someone “going to bed with a head full of bees,” portraying the restless state of being unable to escape thoughts that feel pressing and important. For me, this image became more than historical poetry—it became my reality. Like a head full of bees, my mind buzzed with unresolved feelings, fears, and questions that I carried through the chaos of my youth.

This book is an exploration of those “bees”—the persistent struggles, questions, and lessons that have shaped my life. From the complexities of ageism and love to the battles for power and self-identity, these stories illuminate the turbulence of my youth and the insights I’ve carried into adulthood. Through this journey, I hope to show how understanding the “bee in the bonnet” can help us all confront the things that stir within us and transform them into growth, strength, and healing.